The Types of Women You'll Meet in Northeast PA

Have you wondered why you sit at the bar all night while the men around seem oblivious to your presence? You can blame the following types of women for discouraging NEPA men from approaching you.

1. Vegan Girl - Her face is a work of art (classical art not modern art). She's short and thin but a little curvy. She likes organic food and is a vegan. She shows all the signs of liking you as she gives you undying eye contact, speaks to you in a girly, high pitched voice, and laughs at your otherwise unfunny jokes. She gives you her number. You text her a day later and receive no reply. Several days later she sends a text message stating that she's been with her boyfriend since age twelve and that she's happy with the relationship.

2. Soldier's Unhappy Girlfriend - She's of average height and body weight. She usually has wide hips, small breasts, and big eyes. Her facial bones are more pronounced than Vegan Girl's, making her appear less elegant, but she compensates for it with bigger eyes and an overall high estrogen look. She's not happy with her soldier boy. He's short and stupid, but his undaunted persistence has netted him her companionship. She flirts with you, hoping that you'll give her an excuse to run away from him, but his persistent texts police her conscience, and she returns back to him with an air of moral sanctimony.

3. Cat Lady in Training - She's not old enough to be a cat lady yet, but she's on her way. She's pretty--sometimes so pretty that she gets hundreds of likes on Facebook. In her photos she never appears with a guy, but in nearly every one cats and dogs flank her on all sides. Her looks vary greatly. She may be thin with big beautiful eyes or have sexy curves with average-sized eyes. She can be tall, average in height, or a little short. But she's always single.

4. Disney Princess - She has pale skin, big sparkling eyes, and a V-shaped torso with wider shoulders than average. She often has big boobs, though not in every case. She's average to short in height. Overall she's quite attractive, but conversing with her can be quite difficult because unless you're interested in the Disney movies she watched as a little girl, you'll strain to find things to talk about.

5. Hypergamizing Latina - She's Hispanic. She has a beautifully crafted face and an hour glass figure. She has a cosmopolitan sense of sophistication from the city whence she came. In spite of her sophisticated ways, she prefers the typical NEPA white guy. The reason for this involves her line of descent. Her female Amerindian ancestors survived because they married white Spanish men who provided for their kids. These women must have been more attracted to such men than their fellow Amerindian women. Meanwhile, the Spaniard men who took them as wives probably preferred a white Spanish woman but settled for an Amerindian one because white women were scarce in the Spanish colonies. Therefore, on both sides she's hails from people having genes that disposed them to be attracted to whites, and it's not surprising that she is. It doesn't hurt matters that white skin is still seen as a status symbol in Latin American countries, something to which any woman subject to the forces of hypergamy gravitates. She likes you, but if you're like most white guys, you only want her as a girlfriend and later settle down with a white girl.

6. Zipped Lip Girl - She clams up whenever you're around. She may twist her lip into a grimace like that one gymnast chick of Olympics fame. She never looks you in the eye. Trying to get a word out of her is like pulling Excalibur out of its stone. She often has light skin, dark hair, a fine-featured face, and a flawless complexion. She's thin to average in weight and may have wide shoulders like the Disney Princess type. She can be astonishingly beautiful, but little is known of her life because although she talks heartily to her friends, she's mute in your presence.

Because the guy thinks you're probably one of these six types, he walks past you.